I don't make mistakes, but I dated one.

Will he be the best I’ll ever have? Will anyone ever love me as much as he does? How could anyone love me with my asymmetrical eyebrows and ugly toes? Should I join eHarmony? Who do I turn to now? Will I ever shake that instinct to call him first in the event of a fire/flood/death/death-by-boredom?

We lasted 2.2 years. I wish we had traveled together, I wish we’d been on a 10 hour flight, I wish we’d explored strange countries together. We spent 90% of the first year of our relationship nestled in bed, only getting up to eat/shower/poop/pee. We were inseparable, the rappers in his old angst-y youth posters on his walls were always scowling down at us, seething with jealousy. Of course we did badly at university. Even when we were out there was never a moment when some part of our bodies were not making contact. We knew each other’s schedule for the week ahead. I always strove to be as happy as he was. We did many a crossword puzzle in the newspapers provided at quiet little cafes where we had spectacular brunches. We talked about our future apartment with its high ceilings and bay windows and argued about the furniture we would put in it. We lay in bed telling each other all about the dreams we were chasing, the highs and lows of it all, and encouraged each other to persevere when one or the other was disheartened. We wrestled after his MMA classes, we rap-battled, we made up a satirical contemporary dance routine, we had a secret handshake, we made macarons together, we went to couples massage together, we went ceramic painting together, we drew up a small business plan together, it would be impossible to list all the things we did as conjoined twins.

I know this post completely lacks structure or purpose, but I’m tired now. Goodnight.

Recently I’ve started seeing this guy 6 years my senior. He is intelligent, he owns a house and a car, and he loves dogs. He broke up with his long-term girlfriend on New Year’s Eve, but he treats me more of a trophy girlfriend than a rebound (I can’t decide which is worse). She is still in mourning while he is at the park spooning me on a picnic mat.

Why does he act this way when he can’t possibly love me at this point? His emotional dishonesty is heartbreaking because it cheapens my experiences with the ex-boyfriend. I don’t know if I’m the only one who has all this while believed that these affectionate gestures epitomise love. Maybe we all grow up and learn that actions can be just as hollow as words.

I feel like a lot of my innocence has been lost in the past year: all these blown-up childhood expectations of love and friendship being shot down over and over again leaving you ultimately disillusioned and inevitably disappointed.

Sometimes you become so aware that nothing you do really matters at all. But I guess if you can reach the point where you are fine with that sentiment, then you can stop struggling with the hand of God and be at peace with yourself. Yet neither have I fallen into the pit of nihilistic existentialism nor started living solely for darker pleasures; I still long for the refinement of the soul.

PS. I ate 2 caged eggs this morning. Its like eating 2 doses of misery. I’m so very sorry.

Life the past few weeks hasn’t been worth writing about. I had a job, I quit the job. I’m back to looking for a job. I’ve dated guys, lost interest in a matter of days. I sneak into my neighbours pool on hot summer nights. I read books on tragedies of love. I splurge on lacey knickers. I go to the beach for a swim. I attempt to make the ex-boyfriend jealous while yet trying to maintain my facade of aloofness. Pretty mundane stuff.

Whatever you give a woman, she’s going to multiply. If you give her sperm, she’ll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she’ll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she’ll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she’ll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So if you give her any crap, you can expect a lot of shit.

adropintheocean:(via annebtch)

11217.) When I’m with people, I feel alone. When I’m by myself, I feel like I’m in my own little world.

(via blogsecret)